How to Respond When Someone Tells You They’re Being Hurt

When someone tells you they are being hurt by a partner, it can be hard to know what to say.

You may be shocked. You may be scared for them. You may want to fix the situation right away.

But you do not need to have all the answers.

One of the most important things you can do is listen, believe them and help them know they are not alone.

Domestic violence is often about power and control. It can include physical violence, but it can also include threats, stalking, isolation, financial control, sexual abuse, name-calling and other behaviors meant to control another person. 

Women & Children First explains more about the signs and types of abuse here. 

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Women & Children First is asking our community to go beyond awareness.

We can learn how to respond when someone asks for help.

Start by listening

If someone chooses to tell you about abuse, give them your attention.

If possible, move to a private place where the conversation cannot be overheard. Then let them talk at their own pace.

Try not to interrupt or ask questions just because you want to understand every detail.

Listen without pushing someone to share more than they are comfortable sharing. It also reminds us that people experiencing abuse often tell someone they know before they ever talk with a professional. 

Sometimes simply being willing to listen can be a powerful first step.

Believe them

A survivor may have spent months or years being told that no one will believe them. Your response matters.

You can say:

• “I believe you.”
• “I’m glad you told me.”
• “You deserve to feel safe.”
• “How can I support you?”

It is best to respond with support because someone may be more willing to seek help when they feel believed.

You do not need to investigate the situation or decide whether what happened was “bad enough.”

Do not ask, “Why don’t you just leave?”

From the outside, leaving may seem like the obvious answer. But domestic violence is rarely simple.

Someone may be afraid of what will happen if they leave. They may be worried about their children or pets. They may not have money or transportation. Their partner may have threatened them. They may still love the person who is hurting them.

The Center for Prevention of Abuse cautions against pressuring someone to leave and encourages friends and family to respect the survivor’s choices. 

Instead of saying, “You need to leave,” try asking: “What do you need right now?”

Let them stay in control

Abuse often takes control away from a person.

Helping should not mean taking more control away.

You may want to make calls, confront the abuser or tell your loved one exactly what to do. Those actions may feel helpful, but they can sometimes make the situation harder or less safe.

Women & Children First offers an important reminder: the decision about what happens next must belong to the person experiencing the abuse. Friends and family can offer support, information and options without making the decision for them. 

“When someone trusts you enough to say they are being hurt, you do not have to have all the answers. Listen without judgment, remind them that help is available, and let them stay in control of what comes next. That kind of support can be an important first step toward safety.”— Angela McGraw, Executive Director, Women & Children First

Help connect them with support

You do not have to become their counselor or solve the situation yourself.

You can help them connect with people who know how to help.

Women & Children First is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. A trained advocate can listen, answer questions, help with safety planning and talk through available options. Pasted markdown

Call the 24-Hour Statewide Hotline: 800-332-4443

The person does not have to know exactly what they need before calling.

And they do not have to stay in the WCF shelter to receive help. WCF can connect survivors with services and support based on their individual needs.

You can also call the hotline if you are worried about someone you care about and need guidance about how to help.

Keep showing up

Someone may not be ready to leave today.

They may leave and return. They may stop talking about the abuse for a while. They may make choices you do not understand.

That does not mean your support did not matter.

The most helpful thing may be continuing to remind them: I believe you. I care about you. I am here when you are ready.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is about more than wearing purple or sharing a post. It is about knowing what to do when someone turns to us.

Listen. Believe. Support.

And know where to connect someone with help.

Women & Children First is here 24/7.
24-Hour Statewide Hotline: 800-332-4443
Learn more about Women & Children First and available resources.

With Survivors, Always.